the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
