He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
