I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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