Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face