moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
