he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional