I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
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Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
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Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO