you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
we're so committed to being not committed
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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