we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
