If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
