Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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