remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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