i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
