i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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