so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
