Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Is Oprah even human
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
