that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
