I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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