My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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