she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
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I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He has the fingertips of a God
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