How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
