Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize