when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
