I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
