I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize
