So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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