I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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