how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
