I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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