K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
