he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
