im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
