In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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