I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?