if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
