well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
