Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
