I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
