I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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