sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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