He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
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I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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