there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
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I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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