you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
