i may or may not be watching the land before time
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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