i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
