No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
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