You smell like a Billy Joel song
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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