He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
