My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
