I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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