i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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