Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
