would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
