Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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