i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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