I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
