Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
How external is "for external use only"?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
