i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
