Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
