if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
