I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think a kid would responsible me up
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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