last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
