Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
