It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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