Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
