You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
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my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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