Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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