Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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