So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
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YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
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I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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