I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
