god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
